A Moment’s fortune

I was standing near the platform when I happened to look up. Something made me to look around, though I knew not what. The day was sultry and I had no energy to keep myself perpendicular. Occasional comments on the government’s careless policies added to my impatience. I gazed at the watch. My brother had given it to me on my birthday.‘Had’….. the word cut an incision. I was asleep till 8 that day, quite unusual for an early riser like me. A knock on the door had woke me up. As I rubbed my eyes, I saw my brother holding a gift. I stood wondering when he hugged me with a ‘Happy Birthday’. I had already forgotten that the day was wearing a pleasant smile on its face only for me. He opened the wrapper and presently hold a box. A watch. A crystal watch with a pinkish tinge. Quartz!! I was longing to get, for long. God had answered my prayers. But little had I realized that He had made a bargain that day, for my brother passed away by some unknown disease two years after that.I felt hot. Terribly hot. ‘Why can’t something happen? Just now, here’. I desperately wanted to release myself of this painful thought. ‘The bus driver must have done something …..’ a voice said. ‘What if there is a strike? These politicians!!’ Someone murmered.I was almost going to turn around when I breathed in a familiar smell.‘Meghna’……I turned around. A child had gone far enough on the road and the mother called her out, oblivious of the fact that she had triggered off a chill down my spine.Meghna and I were in college when I fell in love with her. We had attended a party of a common friend. I was talking to someone, when she entered. Clad in a turquoise blue saree she climbed up the stairs. So divine did she look, that I could hardly take my eyes off from her.Destiny must have designed to try a tryst for me that day. I was on my way to college, when a young gentleman came up to me and said that he was engaged to Meghna. Obviously he must have been following me for sometime. Meghna had stopped talking to me after I failed to meet her near the Marina Beach. I took it lightheartedly but the appearance of this man aroused a sense of insecurity, uncertainty, fear, apprehension or….. How could she……………‘Excuse me, can you…………… my thoughts were interrupted by a voice, distant yet familiar. I turned round. Almost as an answer to my thoughts and prayer there she was.Meghna. She looked worn-out, fatigued, emaciated. I looked for the other lady. Se was gone.I controlled my surprise and said ‘Yes’. ‘You may be going to the same place as I am’ she said. Before I could ask anything, she asked ‘Are you from Lucknow?’ I said , ‘Yes’. And I did not make an attempt to further her with her questions. I just wanted to know whether she was the same woman I had loved …. And still love, or was it someone else.She had dark circles round her eyes, an impression left by either disease or ill-treatment.Suddenly I grew conscious. She was looking at me with the same intent. I smiled. She returned it. Then she said she knew someone from Lucknow and I resembled him.Now there I go. She was studying my features as well. I attempted to ask her about the person when I felt, I should leave it at that. ‘How different she looked! She was glamorous as defines a typical Indian beauty. Her characteristic smile and knit between her eyebrows used to be my main source of entertainment. I never interrupted her for she used to be so immersed in her talk that she completely lost herself in her world. I don’t know how a man like me could ever happen to gain her attention.Call it my pride for I was never looked up by my friends. I was always shy and timid and repelled at the very sight of girls.‘Rakesh’, I heard my name and turned around immediately. There she stood now with that familiar smile. I don’t know how and when I had distanced myself from her. Was it the feeling that she was somebody’s wife that created the distance, I don’t know. ‘Is it Meghna?’ And she blinked.The bus arrived. God had a seat reserved for both of us and I could sense the touch ,the smell the feelings rush back all at once with the same intensity ………………and the same fright. ‘Why ? Why? Why the devil am I afraid?’ Was it a feeling of losing her or was it the sense of deliberately leaving her to someone else? But I had every reason. I was not rich nor had I a job to take care of both of us. Love dwells on the spirit of sacrifice and understanding. I had two sisters to feed and I by all means tried to be practical……..‘How are you?’ I felt stupid. There was this lady enquiring about me and I was thinking of………….’Well, I am fine’ I managed. So how long have you been here? Are you working or something? I asked both the questions in one breath.She looked outside. The wind and her touch energized me and no longer did I feel sultry.‘I have been here for two months’, she presently said without looking at me, ‘in search of a job……..‘Well, I don’t mind taking up a job’,she had said. ‘But then who would take care of the baby?’ I had asked . ‘Silly…..so silly, we had already embarked upon the point on having a baby even without knowing whether we’ll be married or not. It was 8 that day and we had just come out of the cinema hall. ‘Chalte Chalte’ was a very good movie and has always been a must see for all those young lovers waiting to tie the marital knot at the very first opportunity given to them.‘You have changed, Rakesh’. Her voice alarmed me. I handed over the money to the conductor and turned to her. A strand of hair had fallen on her face and I was tempted to remove it. ‘What kind of job?’ I found my voice.‘Anything that suits me, you know my tastes, my qualifications isn’t it? She was excited and I heard it ring. Meghna had done her M.A. in English from the Indira Gandhi National Open University and moved on to do her Ph.D. from the prestigious Central Institute of English as a Foreign Language. The galaxy of stars could not give that joy that Meghna gave me that day. An hour’s plight was taken away in a whisker and her presence made it all. Love in its profundity gave me the courage to recover the former confidence that I found in myself in her presence. Was she a soulmate or something or was it my weakness that strove to find completeness in her being?. Whatever it is I felt that it should rain and we get stuck up somewhere.‘I have a friend who’s looking for an analysist for his farm’ I said. I felt the desperate urge to pull her to me and yet that required courage. ‘He was looking for someone who could proofread the documents of the farm so that he could find a better market to start a business in cosmetics. Are you interested?’ She remained quiet for a moment. I think she felt me, my urge, my desperation. Then she took my hand in hers. They were cold. I felt the pain come back. We had in the meantime taken the pavement. She seemed to be in no hurry and I too fully participated in her longing. A crowd had gathered at the corner of the park opposite us obviously for the cause of some political party. Suddenly I felt that I should thank the government for being instrumental in taking care of my ardent needs. The bus driver did have a very important role to play in giving me that source of rejuvenation which otherwise was lost at some bottomless pit of what we call unconsciousness.The sky showed no clouds and to my surprise I did not regret in the least. What mattered to me was her.‘Are you listening?’ she broke the train of feelings, feelings and thoughts, thoughts and feelings. I stammered ‘But why don’t you just give a try?’ I fought my instincts to remain calm at this moment. ‘I have been through many a rough phase and I don’t have anything to regret now’ she said. It’s only for Kruti that……….’she stopped to fight her tears. Life has in its fullness given me a glimpse of how it was designed for me. Cutting across all limitations of sophistication and despondency I stand here at this point and this place only to know, is there any release for this fractured soul?’The last few words stung me to the core and I for the first time felt weak….weak at the prospect of not having the knowledge to measure her with her own magnanimity. The rustic and the rusted mentality of possessing her that had gathered roots fell down in shreds mocking at the vulnerability of my disposition. I might have looked like a destitute in front of her, a child crouching and crying for shelter.The road came to a turn and Meghna stopped. ‘Why don’t you just come over to my place?’I was suddenly gripped with a feeling of jealousy and tried to laugh at my own weakness. Nevertheless, I accepted the offer. The house was an old one begging to be recognized, a different version of me I thought. Inside it was dark and I could only locate a few pieces of furniture waiting to be thrown away.My mobile buzzed. I was relieved. I looked carefully. It was a wrong number. I decided to switch it off but left it at that. Meghna came up with a candle. A rusted chair was forwarded and I felt, I must help her, somehow, maybe financially.‘Where’s your husband?’ I asked. ‘He no longer stays with us. Kruti was small when he left us. I know not why but a shiver cut across my being. Was it fear or anger? I tried to figure out.‘So what are you doing ? Are you settled?’ she asked . I looked at her and nodded. I didn’t have the energy to talk. A strong feeling of killing that bastard had gained hold over me. As if she had read my thoughts she whispered, ‘there’s nothing that can be done now. Everything is over.’I looked at her quizzically. Presently an apparition near the door drew my attention. A small girl, with bright eyes, disheveled hair and a dirty dress had long been listening to our conversation. I beckoned her to come to me almost forgetting what we were talking about. She came but a few steps near me. ‘Are you my father?’ I looked up. The question came like a slap on my face.Meghna, I looked up. Meghna! I raised my voice.Where are you? I rushed to the adjacent room.. Meghna!, the urgency of my voice was felt through my veins. The darkness, the cobwebs and a pungent smell was all that I could perceive. There was something missing. An answer…….. a voice…..A hand took mine and I almost jumped out of my skin. The girl was looking at me with all her being. She was searching my soul and her tears spoke it all.‘My mother left me this morning’, and she burst into tears.